Tuesday, 24 April 2018

The Pain You Don't Feel, The Tears You Don't See

The word "STRONG" has many meanings to me. If there's one thing I know, I know that I'm strong. Even when my eyes are swollen from hours of crying, heart ripped out of my chest, breath caught in my throat, hands clammy and  and all that - I know I am strong. I know I am strong because I don't have a choice. Strength is the only thing that will keep me alive, it is the only thing that will drive me to survive, it is the one thing that tells my brain to work, my body to move and my hope to not fail. Strength is the only option left and without strength, I die. That being said, I also know I have moments of weakness. Moments when death sounds better than being strong. When I think of ending everything because the pain is too intense and life is just too hard. During these moments of weakness, I don't need someone to tell me to be strong. I need someone to remind me I matter, remind me it's going to be okay, remind me that one day I will feel like myself again. I don't need someone reminding me of my weakness and as if being strong is something I can choose to be. 

I used to think strength are for the people in the forefront fighting for us, that strength is loud and resolve, that strength is reserved for the fighters who make their fight public, who smile in the face of danger and trouble, who stand up loud and proud and for people who are brave enough to say that they are not okay. I am wrong. 

Over the past few days, I realise that strength is also quiet and cautious. Strength is not always seen, strength is a feeling and a drive that pushes you forward. You are strong even when the world doesn't know your fight. Even when the world doesn't see your demons, when the people closest to you don't feel your pain and see the tears you cry - you are still strong. You are strong because you are still here. You are still alive. 

Not having answers to the questions is not a sign of weakness. Not being able to stop the pain is not a sign of weakness. Not being able to be okay is not a sign of weakness. Weakness is when you give up, when you choose to die. That's weakness. But strength is the choice to keep going despite everything. Strength is a drive to face tomorrow. You are not weak if you're still here. 


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