Nuffnang

Thursday, 12 April 2018

Living In The Unknowing

I used to think that I could only function when I knew the answers. I grew up asking the big questions from a very early age. I set out to search for my identity and purpose from an early age. I did not waste time or my youth. I tried to make all the mistakes early on so that I would never be 31, lost and unsure. It was a good plan, no a great plan. One I am very proud of because at 29, I've managed to achieve things that people my age are now only figuring out. Before I reach 30, I've already been to places both the good and the bad. I've seen my worst and I've also seen my best. I know what works for me and what does not. 

And yet, at 29, I found myself at another crossroad. I found myself asking another set of questions that I have no answers for. I found myself wanting to know more and I want more answers. Again, I'm at a place where I have more answers than questions. A place where I am again, very very uncomfortable at. The fear, uncertainty and insecurities start creeping in. I start doubting everything I knew, myself and what life means. 

Principles and truths I thought were my foundation started to shake. Again, I am at a place where nothing makes sense again and in one too many situations, I started losing my sparkle. Life started feeling dull and uninteresting. I wondered about death and I started losing myself in my thoughts. I wandered into the darkness and my mood was a mess. The denial was the hardest part of everything and the thing that eventually broke everything.

At 29, I like to think I'm wiser to know that everything is just temporary, even this place of unknowing. I know to never settle and to never let it get the better of me. But first I had to accept that I am in a new place. A new stage of life and before anything new happens, I need to be okay with the search, I needed to live in the unknowing for a little bit. 

And so, that's where I am now. A bit here, a bit there and a lot everywhere. Thoughts split into many branches, I am stretched and pulled and the questions I have are plenty. I am now in a new search, a new stage and a new phase. I still have a lot of things to figure out and at 29, I know this is merely the beginning. I am not done yet and I don't want to be done. Not yet, not now. 

It's interesting how far you think you've gone only to realise that you really haven't gone very far. That the starting line is really just behind the horizon. You're not even 1/4 of the race yet. Sometimes it's so tiring because it feels like all you've been doing is running. It's frustrating because you realise there's still so much road ahead and you are impatient and just want to get to the end. I'm not sure if anyone has ever felt like this but I have, I am. 

But the good thing about being so far away from the end is that you can still catch up, still correct, still pace and still recollect. It's not too late to change. And maybe that's where I am at the moment. Changing again. In the process, the future is still unknown. 

One day, I'll have the answers. One of these days for sure. 

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