Wednesday, 10 January 2018

I. Don't. Know. How. To. Do. This.

"You make being a mom of two look easy!"

Oh, if only I could make anything related to motherhood easy. Reality is nothing about being a mom is easy. NOTHING. Even the simple things like getting dressed in the morning is crazy with two kids wanting your attention! What does a mom have to do to get two minutes alone so that she can have even eyebrows?!!! #thestruggleisreal guys, it really is.

Right from the moment you find that "+", you are faced with the daunting task of carrying a life for nine months. On top of worrying about weight gain, stretch marks, water retention and blood pressure among many other health concerns, the whole time you're awake you're wondering if that thing inside you leeching whatever energy and nutrients you have is getting enough of what it needs to grow. You're concerned with the number of kicks and all that pregnancy stuff right up to the moment you have to push that thing with a 25cm diameter of a head out of a 10cm hole.... and then they tell you that's the easy part. It's at that moment you realise nothing about being a mom is easy. 

I was naive the first time I became a mother. I thought it would be a breeze in the park. I thought babies were easy thinking that they would sleep all the time except when to eat and poop, oh how wrong I was. I laugh at my naivety and innocence. I laugh at how I thought I got this mother gig down. I laugh at how I thought I could do everything I had planned while being a mama without help. Oh, superwoman I am not. I learnt a very humbling lesson when I had LittleLim. I did not have any of this down. In fact for the very first time I was alone with this tiny human being I call my daughter, I realised that I don't know how to do this. Almost 3 years later and today as I stare at my daughter having a meltdown, I realised again, I don't know how to do this. 

But I also know that I am responsible for this life I have brought to this world. I am responsible for these two precious beings. So what do you do when you don't know how to do this - you wing it. Some days you win and some days you lose. Some days you get your "techniques" challenged and proven wrong, other days you win. And when it really gets too much, call for help. That's what I did with my second child. I am very very very lucky that I have so many people on speed dial. I am also very lucky my mother in law is so kind and generous to come and help me and is still helping me almost 7 months later. 

I don't know how to be a mom of two. I have not figured it out. I don't know how to split my attention and focus to two kids. I don't know how to let one cry while I tend to the other. I don't know how to wake up each night and tend to two kids. I just don't know. Till today, I have not ventured out of the house with the two kids all by myself. I tried when BabyJ was 2 months and freaked out. I got as far as buckling two kids in the car seat, all prepared to drive out when fear crippled me. I chickened out and cancelled our outing. Today, if I ever go out with two kids, I have help. I tell myself maybe when BabyJ is older, I'll be able to handle both. Maybe. 

So really, if you're going to judge my motherhood journey on a bunch of squares or this blog... it's definitely going to sound and look easy because there's only so much pictures and a few hundred words can tell. But the reality is, so much more happens in the real world. I'm want to be as honest as I can here and I feel that it's not fair to me or you when you think I'm winning this motherhood gig because the truth is far from it. 

All I can tell you is that if it's not for all the help I have on hand, I wouldn't survive this mom of two thing because most of the time, I'm just screaming I don't know how to do this in my head while smiling on the outside because I don't want my kids to know that I'm losing it. 

But hey, I also know of moms who are totally winning it and they are my heroes and inspiration. Maybe one day, I'll be just like these amazing moms.


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