Friday, 5 January 2018

I Am Mommy

It's 2018, 5 days into January. What have you been doing? For me, the most part of it, was and still is a blur. It still hasn't sunk in yet that it's 2018. But that being said, it's never too early or late for personal reflections. I try, try, to figure out what makes me, me. It's funny because I worked so hard to not let things define me. I refuse to get tied down to a type or get too attached to things. I like to feel like I'm a river, flowing freely, moving with the tide and being anyone or anything I feel like at that moment. I pride the fact that I am not easy to read and that element of surprise, my strength.

Ever since I became a mom, I felt like a huge chunk of my identity was robbed. I felt like I had to find something I could call my own. I clung on to the past and would feel sad that I could no longer go back to who I was pre-kids. It didn't help when people tell me to find something that is me, away from the mommy identity. They tell me that I need to have something that's mine, away from the kids, so that when the time comes for them to leave, I still have me. That thought does play a lot in my head, but the more that I think about it,  about defining me, the more I come closer to my identity as a mom. 

That's a scary thought. Scary because I never really dreamt of being a mommy. In fact for the most part of my youth, I disliked kids. A LOT. I would stay away from these snot nosed, dirty fingers, always crying tiny humans. Sometimes I wonder if I really do like kids now... I do. At least my kids and the kids I have the privilege of getting to know. But liking kids is one thing, to have them be your identity was something I had to ponder a while. 

It's funny, I love my me-time. I love doing things by myself. I love that I'm now at a Starbucks alone, hashing this out without having to look over my shoulder and see if my kids are being a nuisance or attempting to kill themselves. I love it but there's a part of me that misses them. That can't wait for it to be 12.45PM so I can go pick my LittleLim up from school. A part of me that wants to go back and hear their screaming and crying, to clean poop and mop spit up, to sing to my babies and play pretend - a part of me that can't wait to be mommy. As crazy as that sounds, I miss them.  

And then it clicks. I am a mommy. I will always be mommy. There's nothing in this world that can take that away from me even when the kids grow up and leave the nest to make their own, I will still be their mommy. While I like all the things I can do by myself and find ways to focus and build my own identity away from the kids, for the rest of my life, mommy will be my identity.

If given a choice to choose what truly defines who I am - business, hobbies, leisure, people - I will always go back to being mommy. At the end of the day, even if I become some recluse, unknown to the world, as long as my kids know who their mommy is, I would die happy. That is a pretty liberating thought. 

In 2018, less struggling more accepting. Maybe then I won't be so hard on myself and my kids. Also, more mommy stories on this blog. Hopefully.


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