Wednesday, 27 December 2017

Ditch It.

3 more days till 2017 comes to an end and 2018 begins. I'm faced again with another blank page to write about how my year was and my plans for 2018 and to be honest, I'm a bit at a lost. Not lost because I don't have anything to look forward to or lost because nothing great happened, but lost because there's just too much to write, to be thankful and grateful for and too much to appreciate. 

I started the year with one goal, that is to survive 2017. I chose survive because I was afraid of sinking again with the birth of BabyJ. I was afraid of the black cloud that happens with newborns, the zombie modes, the loss of free time and identity and as I prepared myself for the happiest day of my life, I also prepared for the hardest part of it. Today, I am proud to say that I more than survived. I am kind of thriving as well. Motherhood round two has been going really well and smooth. Not only did I survive the not-so-gloomy days of having a newborn, I am enjoying it more and enjoying being a mom of two. 

But that is not all. In the midst of juggling two kids and a newborn, I managed to expand myself and not lose myself. I pushed myself harder and made time for other things besides my children. It was difficult because any mom knows you really don't stop being a mother. Thank God for flexible people and time. As I started doing other things, I found myself becoming vibrant, sharper and more myself. This year I not only became a mom of two, I also became my husband's business partner and my father's shadow. I wasn't sure in the beginning if I was cut out for it but I decided to take the leap. Afterall one is my hubbycat and one is my father, if anything I could always say enough if it wasn't working out. Again, survive was my goal and took it one day at a time. 

Initially it wasn't easy going into office and having to leave BabyJ at home with my mil but my mil has been so amazing and I am so thankful for her stepping in to help me out. It was because of her, I was able to do everything I wanted to without having to worry about the kids. I'm not a supermama, I have plenty of help. 

It's true that with all these things filling up my time, I do get stretched but it doesn't feel impossible. I wake up with a 1001 things on my mind but never once do I feel overwhelmed or tired. That is when I knew I am where I am supposed to be. Waking up at 8am, cleaning diapers, attending meetings, looking at accounts (and I hate accounts), meeting new people, catching up with friends, putting kids to sleep - it never feels like a chore. 

The biggest change I had to make was managing my time. I've always been an overachiever and I always try to do EVERYTHING. Too many balls in the air doesn't help anybody. It was challenging for me initially to switch between my roles but I learnt that if I help on to all my roles, I wasn't being efficient and was hurting not only myself but the others who need my full attention. So I learnt to turn off and just be present. Again, survival. It was uncomfortable and it did make me feel guilty especially when I had to turn mom-mode off but I saw the rewards. On top of that, I knew I had to make time to be there for my husband and my friends as well. That's why I never take for granted any time spent with the people who loves me. 

In my surviving, I learnt 3 things:

1. It's okay to be selfish. It's okay to focus on yourself, your family, your work because if you don't value yourself to take care of yourself, no one else will. 

2. Never let someone else's problem become your problem. Unless you have no problems in life then by all means go ahead. But if you're like me juggling so many people, responsibilities and tasks - then don't be hero and take on more problems. Never let someone else guilt you into walking their valleys with them. It's okay to say no because you have your own valley. That being said, always help when you can, always give kindness and always be understanding. 

3. Trust yourself to know you. I always am faced with this whenever I embark on a journey - people, well meaning or not, will tell me I'm taking on too much, share their negative experience, doubt me or just straight on tell me I'm wrong. I've learnt to take everything with a pinch of salt and always trust yourself to know you. 

And one very important trait to have - the "Ditch it" mentality. 

If a person, plan or advice isn't working for you - ditch it. Don't let it hold you ransom, don't let it rob you of your confidence and most of all, don't let it mess with your peace. 

For 2018, I am not sure what to expect or what I want to achieve. As always I don't really have a goal or a resolution - I just want to be thankful, at peace and expanding. Always expanding... just not sideways or on the scale >.< 


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