Monday, 16 October 2017

Not Yet, Not Now.

Here I am sitting, waiting, 
Counting the hours, minutes and seconds,
Waiting for the answers to the questions I've been asking,
Hurt in my heart and my body tired,
Desperately clawing at the threads, 
Replaying the memories,
Questioning the present,
Needing the answers, 
The How, Where, What, Whys...

And then 
barely a whisper, 
Like a brush of a feather,
So soft that it's almost mistakable,
Yet loud enough to break the silence,
"Not Yet, Not Now."
- 10/10/17

Instant gratification. That's how I like my answers. I hate waiting. I suck at waiting. Mostly, I hate the not knowing. I hate not having the answers. I hate asking questions that are no answers to. I hate the waiting. It's the most frustrating part in life for me. And yet, sometimes the answer is just "not yet, not now". 

Ever since having LittleLim, I understand the necessity of waiting. I understand the purpose of being in limbo between where I am and where I want to be. By watching LittleLim attempt things she's not ready to do for the lack of understanding or control and to fail, and then trying it again a few months later when she has "leveled up" and succeed made me understand. Sometimes we have to wait for our physical, mental and spiritual maturity to catch up or level up before we are ready to receive and accept the answer. That knowing the answer right now would do more harm than good because we literally and figuratively are not in the right place and time. It's not that we aren't trustworthy or undeserving, it's just that you really aren't ready for it. A little bit more time is needed to grow, live and mature before you know. 

Sometimes time just has to take it's course and do what it needs to do. And as much as that sucks, as much as that is trying and frustrating, it has to happen. So what then? Do what LittleLim does, keep asking. Keep learning. Keep growing. Eventually you will understand, you will be ready and one day, whenever that is, you will be ready to receive the answers. Till then, you just have to believe that God knows best and that His timing is perfect and His plan is for your good. 

And if you're like LittleLim, you'll cry a little bit, you'll bargain and then you'll move on and grow up.

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