Nuffnang

Saturday, 19 August 2017

This Is For Every Mistake I've Made

We all make mistakes. I make mistakes. I make A LOT of mistakes. Just 5 minutes ago I made a mistake. Some mistakes I make are small and negligible while some are huge and unforgettable. Nonetheless, a mistake is a mistake regardless of it's size. 

In a few days time (fine, a day okay, A DAY) I turn 29. That's 29 years of living. 29 years of making mistakes. That's a lot of mistakes. For the longest time, I thought making mistakes meant that I was weak. I wasn't good enough. I was flawed, tainted. I used to be very scared of mistakes because I felt very judged for them. Whether or not people were actually judging me was not the case because I always judge myself. I'm my biggest and worst critic.

I would always feel so anxious and scared in doing things, making decisions and even just living because I was so scared of the mistakes I would make. I was so afraid and ashamed of imperfection. Everytime a mistake was made I'd beat myself over it, I'd find ways to "punish" myself in hopes to find atonement, I'd remind myself of the mistake over and over again. I'd let the mistake take over me, my thoughts and my actions. The mistake would haunt me and cripple me to the point where I just could not try again. Insecurity and anxiety ate at me but the hardest part was pretending I had confidence in myself and the decisions I made. Hiding the mistakes and imperfections that has "tainted" me. That was me. The old me. The me before I found me.

It has been a journey. A journey of coming to terms that I am not perfect and will never be able to attain perfection. A journey of learning how to accept the mistakes I've made and dissecting each mistake. A journey of self discovery and taking full responsibility of the mistakes I've made. A journey of forgiving myself for my setbacks, flaws, incompetence, arrogance that caused me to make the mistake. A journey of releasing myself from the hold that these mistakes have over my life.

The mistakes I've made in the past no longer hold me back. They no longer are "black marks" on my life and no longer make me feel ashamed of myself. Instead of seeing them as "failures", I choose to see them as events that steered me to where I am today. These mistakes in one way or another prepared me to be who I am now. These mistakes make up my stories. We always talk about our successes so why shouldn't our mistakes be talked about as well. Especially if they've taught you lessons that led you on the path to greater things. Maybe these stories of failures will help someone else along their own path and prevent them from making the same mistakes.

Mistakes don't make you a failure. You only fail when you haven't learnt from them. Mistakes are proof that you've lived. With every mistake, always remember this, there is a lesson to be learnt. Hold on to these lessons, don't ever forget. And never be ashamed to tell your story.

29 years of living and many (hopefully) more ahead. I am still writing my story and without a doubt there will be more mistakes as I go through life. But with each mistake, I get better. With each mistake I live a little more. With each mistake I am reminded that it is easy to fail and that I am dependent on God's help and the support and love from people around. With each mistake, I am reminded I am alive.

For every mistake I've ever made has made me a better person today.

-Ally

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