Thursday, 3 August 2017

Life With Two Kids

It's so funny how life changes. Sometimes according to plan sometimes not. Okay, in my case most times not. Today I was just staring at LittleLim and BabyJ sleeping together and wondered how different my life looks today. I would never have imagined myself as a mom, what more mom of two. But here is my reality, two kids one me. LittleLim made me realise that I love being a mom and I am good at being a mom. I'm definitely not an expert, but I'm pretty confident that I can keep my kids alive and as long as they're not detrimental to society, I think I'm a pretty decent mom. Naturally, the urge to have another child became stronger and more difficult to ignore. Of course fear was always present but the excitement of having another child overpowered the fear. So when I found out I was pregnant for the second time I was over the moon.

But somewhere mid-pregnancy, fear and doubt started setting in. I didn't want to disrupt my routine which I've painstakingly set with LittleLim. I wanted to spend a lot more time with LittleLim and I didn't want another child to split my attention with. I wanted to be more involved at work especially since things just got more exciting. I didn't want to give up my freedom and have all my time revolve around a newborn. After our sister Korea trip I was afraid I would never be able to travel again cause it is crazy to travel with one kid what more TWO?! I was afraid that baby 2 would be just as tough and difficult as LittleLim. Dread set in as I started mourning my life and whatever free time / career time / fun time / date time / LittleLim time / social life I had. I was in a pretty gloomy state of mind and the only thing keeping me sane is reminding myself that "God's timing is perfect and in His time, His promises will be fulfilled" (2 Peter 3:8). Reminding myself there's no such thing as too soon or too late. Just as how my life has changed so much and is totally unpredictable, who knows what the future holds.


When BabyJ arrived I was in a completely different state of mind. I was very calm and at peace with everything. It helped that BabyJ was so calm as well and accepting to whatever was thrown at him (Literally thanks to his elder sister!). He seldom cried unless he desperately needed something. He slept easily and well. He was not clingy like LittleLim and he allowed me to have time for myself. It helped that I also knew what I was doing and reminded myself to appreciate every moment because of how fast everything passes especially the newborn phase. Yes, there were days where he refused to sleep, days where he cried for no reason and days that felt like it years - but those days, I remind myself that it will pass. Just breathe. 

The hard part was handling two. I didn't know how to handle two. Especially when it came to two crying children at the SAME time. That was the frustrating part and that was also the part that made me feel guilty. Guilty because I had to choose between both my own children. These were the moments I wished I had two of me. I also felt guilty because I wasn't spending much time with BabyJ and bonding with him because LittleLim wanted me and being a toddler, anyone who isn't "mommy" won't do. 


Admitting I need help was the first step. This time round I wasn't as naive and I knew handling both a newborn and a toddler would be crazy especially when I was recovering from childbirth as well. Once I knew I needed help, I found support and was more willing to accept help from my mother-in-law, Hubbycat and whoever was on hand. We managed to create a system that worked for all of us and the kids. I honestly wouldn't be able to do it all on my own and it scares me to think that in a few days time I would have to. The other day I had a taste of what it would be like to handle both myself and it was crazy. I took over an hour to get everyone ready and by the time we headed out the door I was exhausted. Honestly, I just wanted to scrap the idea of going out and just stay home. It was exhausting and the amount of things to bring along - CRAZY!!

Like most things, this is going to take a lot of adjusting to and time to set new routine in place. I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed that we survive and that it gets easier with time. Till then, I'm going to be in denial and appreciate all the help I have now. 

As difficult as it is now, I'm thankful for two healthy kids and I cherish all my time with them. Knowing how short these phases are and how fast they grow up makes them even more precious. As for having help - I refuse to think it makes me less of a mom. A mother is a mother regardless of whether she has help or not. Motherhood is already tough enough with all the insecurity, anxiety and guilt. I refuse to let other people's small minds make me more insecure. 

So to all moms out there I salute you because seriously, motherhood is no walk in the park. You are all amazing. 


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