Tuesday, 18 July 2017

Watching You Grow Up Is Scary

It's 9.11am. Hubbycat just left to sent LittleLim to Pre-school. She starts in her new class today and I felt so emotional watching her go out the door. "Bye! Bye Mommy!" she shouts from the corridor as she gets smaller and smaller as Hubbycat walks away into the elevators. She's growing up. Where did all that time go?

Being a mother the first time was something I was not prepared for. For the first many months I struggled my way around it, I struggled to find myself in my new identity, I struggled to get my confidence back and I struggled to look after a tiny human being praying she stays alive under my care. Mother instincts unfortunately did not come naturally for me. It was a lot of trial and error and a lot of wishing that time would pass faster so that I could escape this dreaded newborn phase and skip to the part where all of it felt natural. 

One day everything clicked and then time just flew. Suddenly my tiny newborn is two and I'm pregnant again. Fast forward 6 months and she's in school. She talks, demands, questions and reasons so well now. She can laugh, cry, get angry, feel sad, get jealous and feel a whole wide range of emotions. She is independent, strong-willed, brave and relentless. I have watched her grow up from a helpless tiny newborn to an independent two year old. 

They say growing up is scary. For the longest time I believed it but now, as a mother, I can say that watching your child grow up is even scarier. Not because of how scary the world they live in is getting or how things are getting harder. No, none of that is truly as frightful as the thought that one day they will outgrow you. One day you will have to let them go out on their own and find their own path. One day you have to trust them chase their own dreams and find their own identities. One that is separate from yours. One day they will grow into their own person. It's scary and when I think of LittleLim growing up.

One day she won't be the little girl who would want to follow me out grocery shopping and excitedly pointing to each vegetable, naming them - "brocly" "mayto" "kar-rot" "tayto" "eh-ple juice"- and then beaming in pride when I clap and say "well done!". One day she won't be the little girl who holds my hand and gently strokes it when we're sitting in the car or doing work side by side. One day she won't be the little girl who needs mommy to stroke her hair and hum "Beautiful Dreamer" to sleep. One day she won't be the little girl who comes up to me with the most cutest confused look ever and ask me "wat's this?" and waits for me to explain to you what it is. One day she won't be the little girl who looks at me the way she does now- full of trust, of hope, of expectation- as if I know everything. One day she won't be the little girl who wants mommy to send her to school. One day she won't look at me like I'm the only one who matters in her world. One day she won't be my little girl and all I'll be left are these fond memories. You have no idea how scary that is and how heartbreaking it is for a mommy unless you are a parent yourself.

As much as I love that she's growing up to be a fine young toddler, the idea of her growing up scares me. And each day when I put her to bed, I pray that I never waste even a second with her. Because time with her becomes so precious when you realise how limited it is. I remember mom always telling us, "the days are long but the years are short". I never really fully understood until I became a mother.

LittleLim, the days are long but the years are short. Sometimes when I watch you having so much fun, laughing without a care in the world, calling me to "come!" because you want me to play with you - these moments I wish time would stop and you stay like that forever. Ah, sentimental mommy.


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