Saturday, 4 March 2017

What I Say My Kids Won't Do But Has Already Done

Mommies (and daddies) I know you know what I'm talking about.

You know, those moments pre-kid you would shake your head disapprovingly when you see a kid misbehave or do something unacceptable and you "tsk tsk" under bated breath and tell your makan kakis or think to yourself that your kid would never be allowed to do that when your turn comes. How your kid will be the most well behaved, well parented, well rounded kid to walk the planet?

Oh yes. I know you know because I've done it so many times. If only I could go back in time, I would slap judging pre-mommy Ally and tell her to "Wait till you become a mommy to your own kids! Then only you talk!"

Here's a list of some of the things I said I'll never let my kids do but have already done.

"My Kid Will Never Scream / Cry in Public"

Scenario : 
You're in a restaurant and suddenly the quietness is broken by a scream that resembles a dying kitten. You look around and find the culprit. A toddler who just doesn't know how to control himself. You give the parents your best "death stare"  for not controlling their kid / teaching them right. You tell yourself that your kid would never scream like that because if they do, you'll knock the scream out of them!

Mommy Ally:
Oh the naivety of pre-motherhood. hahahhaha! If only we could all figure out a way to control our infants / toddlers / kids. If only smacking the living daylights work all the time. Life would be so easy eh? Unfortunately, these tiny human beings come with built in excitement switches that goes off without warning or reason. 

Water in cup = Excitement.
Food = Excitement.
Poo ALSO Excitment. How?!

And the crying! Omg, crocodile tears, real tears who can tell anymore. Ish!

Till today I'm still trying to teach LittleLim that screaming  isn't necessary and that there are other ways to show excitement. I'm also teaching crying won't get her what she wants all the time. But let's just say, today I've let her do both at restaurants, cinemas, planes and even government offices. Of course I try to control it or take her out if it gets out of hand. Otherwise, I just turn a blind eye (and ear) and carry on. Pshtt. They'll learn eventually, right?

"My Kid Will Never Use The iPad"

Scenario : 
*head shakes* *tsk tsk* Look at that parent giving their kid the iPad during dinner! Don't they know how bad it is for the kid? My kid will never be allowed to use the iPad until they're 25! I'm going to find other ways to entertain them or at least get them to join in the conversation.

Mommy Ally :
WTF hahahahahah!

Seriously, don't bash it until you've tried it. I salute parents who stuck to their guns on the "no ipad" rule but unfortunately this mama has no patience nor the creativity to come up with different activities for mealtimes. And sometimes this mama just need some space to breathe and not worry her child is planning to head dive off the sofa.

By the time LittleLim was 11 months iNanny was my bff. Lol! 15minutes uninterrupted meal time / me time? YES PLEASE! Also, LittleLim has learnt ABCs, 123s, colours, toys, etc. from the iNanny so whatevs. I'm keeping it!

"My Kid Will Never Make A Mess!"

Scenario : 
You visit a family house and you see toys strewn everywhere. *Ouch!* Did you just sit on a Duplo minifig?! You think to yourself, my kid will never leave a mess! Or at least it will be a contained mess. 

Mommy Ally : 
*Scoff* *Chokes* *Snort* *Eye roll*

I tried. I honestly tried to enforce this. But I've just given up. My OCD is going crazy at this moment as my living room is in chaos. I cringe everytime I see that plastic lettuce under my coffee table. Didn't I just ask her to put it away?! Sigh... I'm now just too exhausted to be bothered. It'll only end up back there when she wakes up anyway. As for the mess... it has a mind of it's own! It cannot be contained. I tried... and now it's migrating into my dining room. I. GIVE. UP!

Now I see messy houses and nod empathetically. I get it mumma! Mine is exactly the same way. My kids are exactly the same. No amount of nagging will make them STOP making their mess. But to be honest, I don't really want them to stop. Mess means play. Play is good. Play is welcomed. Play is growth. Play is love. 

So power on LittleLim and make your mess. Do try to help mummy clean it up. Otherwise I'll just leave it there until you sleep... or clean up for once and for all when you turn 13. 

"My Kid Will Eat What Is Given To Them!"

Scenario :
Poor mother trying to bribe her child to eat. And the kid is just shaking her head / throwing food off her plate! My kid will not have that luxury of choice. It's eat or don't eat for them!

Mommy Ally :
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahha *catches breath* hahahahahahahahahhahaha! What a joke. Seriously.

As I type this, I just had to bribe LittleLim with Ribena Pastilles just so she will finish her cheese and crackers. On any normal day, LittleLim dictates what I cook. And everytime I feel like I'm gambling with her. Some days she eats it like it's her favourite food. Other days it's like the most vile thing in existence and I'm scrambling to find an alternative. I could let her starve as I said I would... but my mommy conscience and guilt won't let me.

So here I am being that poor mom who is bribing her kids to eat or giving in to chocolate and ice cream. Hey, at least she's eating!

"My Kids Won't Have Junk Food Until They're Teenagers!"

Scenario : 
You stumble on an article on child obesity and how fast food is the number one cause. You shake your head and wonder what these parents are thinking! When I have kids, they'll only eat organic food, fruits and vegetables and definitely non of this Maccas stuff. 

Mommy Ally : 
*Head bangs* *face palm* Damn I'm seriously one uptight pre-mommy. 

So... LittleLim had her first taste of Maccas when she turned 12months. The moment I realised my daughter is not allergic to anything I've already given her nuggets... and fries. In fact, nuggets and fries are most definitely winners in her books. Everytime she refuses to eat anything I whip up nuggets and fries. And then there's the processed food of sausages and fishballs and chocolates.... Clearly #notmomoftheyear! 

Again, this is the case of better fed than not. But that being said, everything in moderation! We do get her the best food available as well like expensive fresh ingredients, organic eggs etc. I mean I'm okay with going the junk food route but I also don't want to jeopardise her health. 

But as to the no junk food rule... thrown out the window! 

"My Kids Won't Co-Sleep With Us"

Scenario : 
When I have kids, they're going to be sleeping on their own crib and at 6 months, their own room! There's no way am I going to sleep with them on the same bed! 

Mommy Ally :
Teehee. LittleLim is 2 and she still sleeps with us on the bed >.< Yes, she has her own big girl bed which she does sleep in.... occassionally. I was so naive to think that babies could sleep anywhere at anytime. So so naive! LittleLim fed on demand and at 3am, I was too arsed to get out of bed, feed her and tuck her back in. Screw it, dream fed it was and dream fed I did. 

As for moving her to her own room.... my mommy heart is weak. The idea of her screaming and clawing at the door breaks me. And then hubbycat reminds me that she'll only be this small for a short while. So whatever, mommy cuddles! All day everyday! Even in the middle of the night at 3am. I mean they won't be in bed with you at 25 right?! 

"My Kids Won't Break Routine!"

Scenario : 
Oh dear! That child sleeps at what time?! There's no naps?! Eats ALL THE TIME?! What! Where's the routine! Where!!! My Kid will have a routine and they will not break it!"

Mommy Ally :
*roll on the floor laughing my ass off* 

I know of moms who are brilliant sargents! Their kids have routines and stick to it. They sleep without a fight, eat without a fight, study without a fight. They're like the Rory of Gilmore Girls... and then there's my kid. Thankfully my kid isn't too bad and is pretty good with timing... except bed time. And then meal times. Or any other time when I have something on and suddenly whatever routine we've set goes out the window. I tried being a disciplined mom, but I realised that if I did that I'll never be able to do things I want to do. And the selfish me is whatever! Screw routines! As long as you eat, sleep, poo I'm good baby.

The silver lining is I'm teaching my kid to be flexible right?! haha

"My Kids Will Never Steal My Identity!"

Scenario : 
"My kids are..." "There's this new school..." "You know pregnancy is weird..." OMG! Why is she only talking about pregnancy and kids?! Is there anything else going on in her life?! Damn, when I have kids my kids will never be the center of my universe! I am so going to be keeping my identity, my hobbies, me-time!

Mommy Ally : 
*wheezes* *chokes* *tears* 
Oh you poor naive kid. Hahahahahahah! 

Seriously, kids are time consuming. Unless you're lucky enough to have babysitters / maids / helpers on hand to take your kid off your hands for a few hours AND kids who aren't clinging on to your for dear life... don't even THINK of being able to find time to do other things. I know because I have experienced both. I salute any moms who are able to find a balance without any help but for me, pre-help mommy Ally was all baby baby baby baby. Eat also baby. Sleep also baby. Baby got poop? Baby got reflux? Play also baby. Everywhere I went baby went too. So naturally my topics became baby related topics. Gone were the hobbies, the book reading, the movie watching... except if it's The Wiggles, Thomas The Tank Engine or Peppa Pig. For the first year of motherhood, my baby was my identity. My whole world revolved around her. It was weird and amazing! I loved every minute I spent with her, I loved talking about her, I loved it all and wouldn't trade it for anything! (I'm sorry if I have become that annoying mom to my non-mommy friends..)

And while I have a bit more time on my hands now and have slowly started doing me-things again, I do miss my kids. My kids are my identity. They're my life. They're my everything! Given the choice, I'll happily let them take my identity again and again and again.


Seriously! How judgy was pre-motherhood Ally?!!! Now that I'm a mom, I am so amazed at how I and my kids have broken so many rules. So mummies, share some of yours! Let's laugh at our pre-mummy self and roll our eyes at them. 

As for the non-parents, before you make any judgement JUST WAIT TILL IT'S YOUR TURN. 


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