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Tuesday, 17 January 2017

This Is Motherhood


"Welcome to Motherhood"... except that I didn't know what motherhood was all about. The first night home from the hospital, when it was just us and baby - that was the moment I realised I didn't know anything about being a mother. Regardless of all that I had read online or through books, nothing had prepared me fully for the realisation that I was now a mom. I was just as helpless as that little bundle in my arms. 

There are days when I wonder if I deserved to be called "mommy". I wonder if I had mistaken myself for being able to take on this role. There are days where I honestly do not know what in the world I was doing and just had to wing it. Days when it was so impossible that running away seemed like a good idea. But it's also on those days when I'm feeling the smallest and weakest that I find out what motherhood is all about.

First let me tell you what motherhood is NOT. It's not waking up at 3am to feed a baby. It's not changing the baby because she pooped. It's not making sure the house is clean and tidy. It's not making sure there is food on the table or toilet paper in the toilet paper holders. Motherhood is not forcing your child to wear pants or sending them to school. If it was, then your job as a mother can easily be replaced by the helper. But it's not. Your child calls you mommy, not the helper. Motherhood is not being the perfect mom.

Motherhood is this - it is YOU.  It's when I'm about to give up and LittleLim comes up to me and hugs me or kisses my forehead or holds my hand that I realise she doesn't see my flaws, she sees me. Motherhood is not perfection, motherhood is you being present in the face of imperfection. Motherhood is you feeling small but still giving your child confidence. Motherhood is you feeling scared but you giving your child courage. Motherhood is you feeling tired but still giving your best to provide for your child. Motherhood is you feeling drained but still loving them through each booboo, temper tantrums and heartaches. Motherhood is you having a thousand and one things to do but still being present in your child's life. 

Motherhood isn't about having a well-kept home, clean dishes, folded laundry and clean litter boxes at home. Your child won't remember the number of times they had to eat out because you were too tired to cook or the pile of laundry that hasn't been done because you were too busy with other things. But your child will remember you. Your child will remember the times you put them to bed even though you were exhausted, they remember the times you went to their class play even though you had other errands to do, they remember the days you sat by them encouraging them when you were feeling small, they remember the moments you held them when they hurt because that was all you can do. They won't remember your motherhood "duties" but they will remember "you". 

If you feel like you aren't good enough to be a mom, you're not alone. I too feel that way. But let it not stop us from being present. Let it not stop us from being the best versions (even though a little bit flawed) of ourselves because our kids depend on us to be there for them even when we feel less than perfect. Always remember that motherhood isn't about being perfect but it's about teaching our kids to overcome weaknesses, be brave even in the midst of fear, be responsible in the face of exhaustion and to love unconditionally. 

The greatest gift a mother can give their children is themselves. That's motherhood. Keep soldiering on mama, you are good enough <3 

-Ally

2 comments:

  1. Hi Ally, I happened to come across your journal. Totally agree with your last paragraph. Kudos mamas!
    Ps: I'm a sahm too, and loving every minute.

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    1. Thank you for your comment and kudos to you too mama! <3

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