Nuffnang

Saturday, 20 August 2016

Twenty-Eight is Scary

"I'm scared of turning 28"

That's exactly what I said when I realised I was turning twenty-eight. I've never been afraid of turning a year older, I love it. Growing up, I always felt older than my age. Every year when my Birthday came around, I would get excited thinking how I will be one year closer to feeling my age. 

But for the past week leading up to my birthday I have been just so negative. Did not help that insecurity crept in and then the comparing started. Within minutes I'm a ball of anxiety and fear. Does not help that I'm a hormonal mess as well. Ugh. 

There are people my age who already have millions to their name, had a hand in building large empires, have steady careers or have achieved so much more that I have. It reminded me that I too had a dream to be like these people before I turned thirty. That dream today feels even more further away than it has been. I haven't accomplished my ambitions and goals. Sometimes I see people my age living amazing social lives and feel disappointed with myself because all I can say is that I've been home with my 18month old all day. I know it's a noble job and I love it. Every second I get to spend with my daughter is a blessing. I would never give up the time I spent with her. But sometimes I feel like I have so much more to achieve and I have not yet reached my full potential. Sometimes I feel like I'm missing something. Then I see people my age who are both successful and are mothers, and I feel so inadequate and underachieved. 

The scariest part about turning twenty-eight is how I used to think I had time but as twenty-eight approaches, time feels limited. At twenty-eight, the urgency is real compared to being twenty. Suddenly I feel like I'll never be able to achieve my dream and that is a very disappointing thought. Anxiety fills me up because I see a mountain in front of me and I can't see myself getting over it. 

That being said, I know I am beyond blessed. At twenty-eight I have achieved more than what I can dream of. And truth be told, while sometimes I do feel sad that I didn't go down the career driven path I've never regretted my decisions to get married and be a stay-home mom. I remind myself that I am blessed to find love at the tender age of 21 and start a family with him even before I turned 25. I remind myself that while I may not be a glorified businesswoman, I have my daughter who shines bright because of the time, attention and love I give her. I remind myself that I am blessed to be able to not work because my husband is doing well enough to support us and that we have investments to keep us afloat. I may not be well known or successful in terms of career (yet!) but I am successful in other areas of my life. 

For now, turning twenty-eight is just a mix of crazy emotions. It's scary because I suddenly feel younger than my age and I don't really know what to do with this feeling or how to deal at the moment. It's scary because for the first time, I feel like my dreams are bigger than me and I feel very overwhelmed. On that same vein, it's exciting because I have never been one to dream small and being afraid drives me to fight back harder. It's exciting because now I have a chance to build the future I have dreamt of with my family by my side and not by myself. I guess I'm still adjusting to being in my "late-twenties."

I always said I will be honest in my posts. So here I am being honest about being scared of turning twenty-eight. But I will not let it bring me down too much. As Hubbycat said to me when I told him I was scared, look at your life now and you'll realise you are very blessed. Look at your daughter and see that you have impacted her life. Look at our home and see the fruits of your labor. Nothing you have given up is in vain, nothing you have given up is a waste. You still have time to achieve dreams. We will do it together.  Gosh, I love this man. The best decision was to marry him at 24 even when we had nothing. Look at us today. 

If you're feeling anxious about getting older you're not alone. Take a step back and look at your life. Count your blessings. Figure out which areas can be improved and let that anxiety and fear drive you. Push on. We can do this!

So twenty-eight, you are all kinds of scary but at the same time you're also all kinds of wonderful and exciting. I will just embrace you. Be kind to me okay? 

-Ally

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