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Monday, 6 June 2016

Thoughts On Having A Second

Going to let you into my headspace. These are some of my thoughts for a few months now. 

I know somewhere in my future I see myself with two (maybe three or four) children. I know deep down within me I want the (moderately) big family. I know I have it in me to raise more than one child. I know that deep inside me I want it but now I feel fear and anxiety thinking about having another addition to the family. There are days where I'm all "let's do this! I can handle the surprise! Let's take the risk" but most of the time I'm "I can so totally be happy with one kid. I don't want another. I don't want. I DON'T WANT!" Crazy woman hormones. 

I'm at a very comfortable stage in my life with LittleLim. I know what to expect from her. I'm finally able to get freedom (whatever little of it) and I'm finally able to find some balance in my life. I'm at a stage where I'm happy with having more time to myself, to do the things I enjoy, to steal some quiet times while she is independent enough to self-entertain and she's finally at a fun stage where she's able to interact and keep up with me. I'm finally getting my body back and it's looking fiiiine. Hello old jeans, I've missed you. (jokes!) Honestly, while I miss the smell of a newborn, I don't really miss everything that comes with a newborn. 

I don't want to scare any soon-to-be mommies or new mommies but having a newborn is hard! Motherhood is so difficult and it begins from the day you get pregnant. You sacrifice your body, time, enjoyment and yourself. Your hormones go into overdrive, you get so little sleep, your body isn't yours, you give up pretty clothes because they're not breastfeeding friendly, you give up time to do things you like, couple time, me-time because there just isn't time for it and most of all, you give up your freedom because baby needs to be by your side 24-7 especially when you're a breastfeeding mom. 

On the flipside  motherhood is also beautiful and miraculous. The moment you see the ultrasound and hear the first heartbeat, the first piece of clothing you buy, the milestones, the bonding, the beauty of knowing that your body is able to grow and sustain a human being for 10 months and after that naturally knows how to keep it alive and the most special of it all, the moment after delivery your baby is placed in your arms for the first time, the first cry - it's a beautiful... and very exhausting. 

While I tell people that a second isn't coming anytime soon because I want to spend more time with LittleLim the truth is, I'm just a selfish person. While I know all the sacrifices I've made for LittleLim are worth every minute and will gladly do it all over again for her, I'm not sure at this very moment if I can do it all over again for a second child. Can I do it all over again when there is still so much I want to do at this very stage of my life? So much I want to accomplish beside being a mother. Can I add another child whom I'm able to give up everything for all over again to ensure they gets the best of me today, tomorrow and forever more? 

These are the questions that go through my head whenever I think of a second. Sometimes I see other moms who manage to balance everything in their lives with more than one child and make it look effortless and wonder if there's something wrong with me. I wish I was one of them but I know myself and I know I'm not like that. And so, I debate with myself and have proper discussions with myself. When I feel like I'm really going crazy, I let Hubbycat in on my crazy thoughts to get some clarity. And then do it all over again. I still have no answer. Some days I'm less selfish and other days I'm full on selfish. It's crazy. I'm crazy. 

So for now, I'll let these thoughts play in my head. I know deep down I will have the (moderately) big family. The question is when? At the same time, I also know that there is only so much I can do and at the end of the day, God is in full control. When the time is right, I believe that I will know just like how I knew it was time with LittleLim. 

-Ally

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