Monday, 4 April 2016

3 Selfish Things I Gave Up To Be A Wife & Mom

Becoming a wife to Hubbycat brought a lot of change. Just when I was getting used to things, I became a mommy to LittleLim and that forced me to give up a lot more of things. Some were really easy to give up like junk food and soft drinks, midnight drinks with the single girls and others were really difficult and I found myself struggling. A common misconception is that wives and moms are selfless or that all your selfishness vanish once you become a wife and mom. Of course media doesn't help, we are always portrayed as women whose life revolve around the children and family. Yes, children and family are my top priorities but it takes A LOT to everyday wake up and purposefully position yourself to be able to make that decision. It's a conscious effort, one where you battle your selfish nature to do. And no, it's never easy. NEVER. 

3 selfish things I gave up to be a wife and mom:

1. Time

This is my biggest struggle. A constant struggle between wanting to use time to focus on me and wanting to use the time for my responsibilites as a wife and mom. The selfish part always says "just another 5 minutes won't hurt anyone" or "another 10 minutes of sleep! She'll get used to mommy needing more sleep eventually" and seriously, sometimes it's damn tempting to give in to that selfish part of me. Sometimes it's so tempting to say "Screw it! I'm just going to sit here, read my book and drink my coffee in peace and let the hubby and baby find their own way around."

2. Space

Space is something I really treasure. Not just physical space but emotional space as well. Just space where I can call my own and dominate. Space where I can be me without worrying about anything else. And of course the physical space that is my bed, my wardrobe, my handbag... the selfish part of me gets really upset when I am squashed into the tiny corner of my already super king size bed while my hubby and daughter (mostly my daughter) takes up almost the whole bed herself. I also get really stressed out when I want to use the toilet in peace only to be disturbed by one very clingy one year old who is crying outside my bathroom door. The selfish part of me screams "don't let them in! don't share!" and again, it's so tempting sometimes to listen to it. 

3. My Heart

Oh my heart. My dear dear heart. The one I really fought to protect, to have all these walls built around it so that it wouldn't get hurt. Gone are the walls. Gone is that cold hardened heart. Gone are the fierce barb wire that used to surround me - sharp enough to deter anyone from coming too close. Gone. With every kiss, hug, silent "I love you" whispers, stolen moments, cutest finger grab my heart belongs more to them than to me. Each time I stare at my husband and my daughter, my heart hurts because I love them so much. A stark contrast to the days where the selfish me couldn't care about anyone else, moved by anyone and love anyone more than myself. Now it beats fast and hard and the emotions raw and fierce. Sometimes I lie in bed afraid knowing how vulnerable I've become afraid my demons will come and play. The fear that history will repeat itself is real and sometimes crippling. That if anything happened to any of them, I wouldn't be able to deal. The selfish part then resurfaces and tells me to guard myself but I fight it with all my might. It's not easy, but I do it because I believe that God still keeps His promise to "guard my heart".

Being a wife and mom is not easy for me and it's a daily fight. Every day that I am able to beat my selfish nature I know I am one step closer to being a better wife to my husband and a better mom to my children. I gave up a bit to be the person I am today with the family I have today and it's not easy. The struggles are real. 

I'm okay with it. I will fight my selfishness over and over and over. It is worth it when I see the people by my side. I know I'm not alone. My family is here with me.


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