Nuffnang

Wednesday, 23 December 2015

These Nightmares

I knew I would never sleep easy once BabyLim entered our world. When I was without child I couldn't be bothered about what happened to me and I wasn't responsible for another person. BabyLim changed all that. Once you have a child everything changes and nothing is ever the same again. Nothing is ever "safe" again. Nothing is ever too secure and you can never be too sure. 

Now that BabyLim is walking I realised that the house that I once thought was very safe is suddenly a red danger zone. Plugs, table corners, sliding drawers, heavy chairs.... the list goes on and on and on. What I once thought nothing about I now think twice, thrice if it's safe, even after I've checked it a hundred thousand times. 

When I go out everything keeps me on high alert and I am super aware of my surroundings. I can be in the safest place surrounded by guards but I will never feel at ease. Any suspicious person, over friendly sales person, patrons who don't understand the concept of personal space keeps me at my toes. No longer open to having small talk with strangers or helping out a fellow human being because better to be safe than sorry... unless of course Hubbycat is around.

When I drive I get paranoid at every motorbike or impatient driver. I'd rather go super slow than risk rushing and getting into an accident. My car is a super safe hardy mommy mobile but I still feel vulnerable driving it because I know that no matter how safe I drive or my car is I cannot say the same for the other drivers on the road. 

It's crazy how I've become so worried over the smallest of things because I don't want anything to happen to my baby girl. I want to protect her with everything in my power and it scares me everyday knowing that there is a possibility that one day I won't be able to do anything to help her, to protect her, to ease her. That thought is a scary one, one my nightmares are made of. The only thing that keeps me sane is prayer. I pray every night, not because I'm super spiritual. In all honesty, I pray because I'm selfish. 

Every night I pray to God above to protect us and that I may never be tested that way. That I will never experience the feeling of helplessness while my baby is suffering. That my baby will never suffer. That He will have mercy on me and if ever I do have to go through the fires and see the faces of my nightmare, He will be there. But most of all, I ask for peace because these nightmares, they never end. The paranoia never goes away. The fear is real. I know how small I am and how I have no control over destiny and I cannot see into the future. I pray because I have to. I have to believe that there is a God out there who is perfect, who has everything planned out, who is all knowing and sees all things. I need to know that there is a God who is watching over us and that His timing and plans are perfect, whatever they may be. I pray because I need to know that someone is in control over the things I have no control over. I need it because if I don't, I will drive myself insane. 

I pray because I get nightmares.

-Ally

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