Nuffnang

Monday, 26 October 2015

This is My Mom



This is my mom and she's no longer here. My mom passed away 4 years ago. She missed my graduation, my engagement, my wedding, the birth of my baby and the birth of my future babies. She will never know her son-in-laws or her grand children. She has missed 4 Birthdays, 4 Christmases, 4 New Years and the rest of that to come. When I heard my mom had gone before us, the hardest part for me is knowing that she will no longer be there physically and even emotionally. That so many moments from then on would be without her and I was no longer able to create or even share those memories with her.

While there won't be any new memories there are plenty of old ones. Beautiful ones. Meaningful ones. Ones that has shaped me into the person I am today, ones that brings hope and reminds me to fight on, ones that makes me laugh and most importantly the ones where I know she existed in my life. This isn't a sad post of how mom missed all the important milestones of life, it isn't a bitter one where mom left too soon and it's definitely not a pathetic post where I mope and sound pitiful.

This post is about hope, joy, love because that's how I wish to honour my mom. This post is how I always remember my mother and while she may not know her grandchildren, they will know who she is because she lives in me. This is a post about my mom and the lessons she has imparted in me.

My mom taught me to make the most of every situation. There were days when she had to stay in bed and use painkillers, the vacations she has missed, the memories she had to give up making because she couldn't run with us in the park or join us cycling or swimming - being a mother now I know how hard it must have been. But she made up in other ways. She made the most of every situation and I love how she never wasted a moment.

My mom taught me life doesn't owe us anything. My mother never asked for this sickness, she never did anything to deserve it either. She lived well and yet she fell sick. But she never once showed her anger. She accepted it and lived with it till her last breath. She didn't walk around bruised that she was dealt shitty cards. She lived beautifully as if everyday was a blessing.

My mom taught me patience in everything. I was looking back at some old videos and so many times my sister and I got frustrated because mom didn't understand. One video where we got frustrated because mom didn't understand that Ceaser Salad is ALL THE SAME ANYWHERE. A typical asian mom would have had our heads, but not mom. I do feel bad now for all those times I should have behaved nicer but I'm glad mom didn't freak out. She made it possible for me to be patient with BabyLim now and to make me realise that patience has a stronger impact.

My mom taught me that kindness and trustworthiness are more important than being popular. My mom wasn't an extrovert, she didn't have 1001 parties or functions to attend, she didn't have friends calling or texting in every other minute but she was liked. She had built strong relationships with those who were in her life - friends and family. She didn't give up herself to be someone she wasn't, she just was herself. Kind and trustworthy.

My mom taught me to be a better mother. When I found out I was pregnant, I did freak out because I didn't know how to mother and how mom wasn't around to help me! I am surprising myself everyday as I see more of my mom in me than I thought possible. She had imparted in me the keys to being a good mother through her own life and from those conversations we had. She taught me how to create a harmonious relationship with my children.

My mom taught me to be a great wife. She showed me how to be the woman behind a successful man. The one who supports and love behind the scenes, the one who holds the family together, the one who is pillars the household so that her husband can focus on his responsibilities and the one who is an equal partner in the marriage. My mother showed me what a loved woman looks like and how a happy husband is a happy wife as well.

My mom taught me cherish everything. To never take anything for granted especially time. To not waste energy on the negative but use it to better the positives. Time is limited and while tomorrow is a blur, whenever you have the opportunity live with purpose and meaning.

Most importantly my mom taught me that no matter how dark the situation looks, there is always hope. That nothing is ever truly the end and to fight for tomorrow, today. To never settle for the end and to always have faith that tomorrow will be a better day.

Yes, I miss her very much and I miss all the special moments with her. But she is never truly gone. It took me 4 years to write this post because it has taken me this long to understand that she lives through me. I choose to honour her this way through my actions and to reflect her until I finally get to meet her again in eternity.

-Ally

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